it’s crazy to think that i just finished my junior year of college and that soon everything will be changing. in five days, i’ll be on a plane to spain for 10 days with one of my best friends an 23 other classmates. i’m excited about this. i’m excited about seeing one of my best friends while i’m in seville. i’m excited about hitting two new countries. i’m excited about spending some time during this summer to just be and enjoy myself. in 27 days i’ll be on a plain to ocean city, maryland where i’ll spend my summer being shoved way out of my comfort zone into a ministry setting that i’m not used to. i’m looking forward to growth and hopefully some awesome self-discovery. i’m so excited from this journey. if you’re going to be in the area between june 6th and august 4th, hit me up. in 26 days, i’ll be 21. missing my birthday with my family is a big deal. the last time i missed a birthday with my family, i was at least with people i consider family. it’s going to be different, but i’m sure it’s going to be totes worth it. in 94 days i’ll be leading my team into the fire as we decide on an issue to cover in our state-wide BCM program this year. this leadership opportunity is amazing and i’m so excited to be working with deanna and lee. in 95 days i’ll be at debriefing with the rest of the summer missionaries who are returning from their trips. i pray that we all grow over the course of the summer. sometime after that i’ll be attending orientation and then a new school (to be announced later) and hopefully i’ll have a clearer picture of what i want, what god wants, for the rest of my life.
…that’s the fleeting part. i feel like all of this time is passing so fast that it’s ridiculous. i don’t want to grow up and have to become a real member of society yet. luckily, i’ve got some time since it seems like i’m NEVER gonna finish school.
now for the fleeing.
i feel like in doing all of this i’m running away from a lot. i’m running away from last summer. i’m running away from the memories of those people and that place…to a place where i don’t have to be haunted by the memories anymore. i feel like i’m running away from the hell-on-earth that wingate has become for me. i never really felt like i was benefiting from it to begin with, but now that everywhere i turn, i’m haunted by memories, words, and feelings, i never want to go back. i’m so sick of feeling trapped inside my own head. i feel like i need to run away from all of this, though. i need time to rebuild myself. i need time to rebuild a relationship with god whom i have pushed away. i need time to break down the walls around my heart that i’ve built so high and strong that no one could even try to break them down. i need to come to terms with everything that has broken me in the past year. it’s slowly happening now, but i feel like getting away from this place will help me heal because i won’t have to face it every single day of my life. everyone always asks why i’m still holding on to all of this emotion. my best answer comes from the words of one of my good friends. i’m passionate. i’m compassionate. i love my friends. and when i say love, i mean it. i care so deeply for these people. when i’m hurt, i’m hurt. and it takes me a while to move on. i’m not harboring it, i’m just trying to embrace it and move forward. so, i’m fleeing. for myself. because i need me to be strong again.
in short, i have a charmed, super awesome, utterly blessed life. and i’m ready to live it.
I’m so sick of hearing people’s opinions on amendment one. I’m disappointed, not with north carolina for their decision, but because I don’t think the ballot was fair. The board of elections in north carolina failed to put the amendment in its entirety on the ballot for the public to read. instead they provided a detailed summary stating that “marriage is a union between a man and a woman.” that doesn’t clarify anything for anyone who may have been sitting the fence today and it definitely wasn’t any way for opinions to be swayed one way or the other.
This is how I voted:
i voted for love because without love, we are nothing. i voted for faith because without it i am nothing. i voted for grace because without grace there is no transgression that cannot be forgiven. i voted for forgiveness because everyone deserves a second chance. i voted for me because this vote was about what i believe in, not about what you, my parents, or anyone else believes in.
now, can we all please quit arguing about what was right or what was wrong. why the amendment should or should not have been passed? i have my opinion and you have yours, but you know what they say about opinions? they’re like a$*holes. everyone has one.
this life is not immortal. we’re all going to die one day. and if i’m going to go down, i’d like to go down with my friendships intact regardless of the way i voted in this single election. i love my friends. ALL of you. regardless of how you voted today and regardless of how you vote in the future. in the words of a dear friend, i don’t care how you voted. i care that your heart is right before god.
also, if you want to know how i voted, feel free to ask because i will gladly share that with you…personally, not with the entire cyber world.
//rant//
i hate stuff; physical, tangible stuff. i hate that stuff defines who we are as a people in america. i hate that stuff tears families apart, friendships apart, and souls apart. i’m at the constant crossroads lately; a crossroads that is ripping my heart in two. my head wants the stuff; the physical, tangible stuff that makes our society what is it. my heart wants relationships, jesus, and cookies. recently, i’ve watched my 17 year old cousin, who used to gripe and complain about how her friends were all obsessed with name brands and how they made fun of her for going thrifting with her mom and i turn into a materialistic monster. she’s all about how much of stuff she can have, what the name on it is, and who will be friends with her on monday morning once she has it. i have an iPhone, yes. I have a laptop and a car. they do not, by any means, consume me. i could give them up in a heartbeat if i had to. i just don’t think a lot of people can. i listened to girls in my spain/morrocco seminar complain to the professor about the fact that we have to hear long pants while we’re in morrocco, but the only sensible shows to wear are tennis shoes because we’re going to be walking miles and miles every day. apparently, that’s a huge fashion faux pas. i had no idea. and i don’t care because it’s not something that is important to me.
“when jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” luke 18:22
he doesn’t say give up everything that you don’t care about, everything that’s out of season, everything that won’t make you lose your social status and follow me. he says give up EVERYTHING and follow me. i’m not saying, by any means, that i’m donating all of my stuff to goodwill tomorrow and starting a completely new life. i’m just saying it really puts things into perspective. if we gave up out crap; those things that allow up to build “relationships” with people (we’ll call them relationshits, for lack of a better term) then imagine what kind of relationships we would have. they would be honest, people to people relationships….and that’s what’s important.
i wish i could make some people in my life understand how unimportant the stuff is…and how much more important the relationships are going to be in the future. i wish that when i was sixteen, someone i knew would’ve written this blog for me, so i could’ve had my eyes opened to this before i became so broken and torn down by people who are so obsessed with stuff that i felt like i couldn’t function. so broken that i had to give up the majority of relationships (now referred to as relationshits) that were important to what i thought was my well being to gain an appreciation for relationships and people instead of gaining stuff to try to get those people to like me….i wish i would’ve had this then.
all of that being said, i would never, ever change anything that i’ve done or that has happened because it has all formed me into the person i am. all of those people, all of those things, all of those experiences…they may have broken me, but i (with a lot of help from Big Papa) got up and rebuilt me. and i (in my own eyes, and hopefully in the eyes of others) cane out a much better person on the other side.
i’m a prayer warrior on the front lines for anti-materialism.
